It happened when my 2nd child was 8 months old. one day one of my friends suddenly asked.. if I was in depression. I used to take care of her son after school. it was just a 2 minute conversation while picking her son from my house. I denied by telling her that I was alright and super busy to get depressed.
but that night I started thinking if I was really in depression.
may be I was in depression, may be that’s why I hear haunting sounds when I am bathing, I am scared to go to the loo with door closed, may be that’s why I feel some one is behind me, watching me , when I am too much involved in conversing with my little one, may be that’s why I am finding too many faults in my husband, who is a perfect gentle man to the world, may be that’s why I started thinking my friends don’t want to hang out with me anymore because I am too busy changing diapers and preparing special food.
I live in London, so I knew about children centers, I knew about libraries, i knew about parks, I knew going to the local shops and letting the child play in the toy section for a while is alright… but it was December when my little one was 8 months old… i knew London has everything i need to entertain myself and my little one… may be i was depressed , i didn’t make an effort to connect with my old friends, i didn’t make an effort to make friends who have little children.
May be I was actually confused whom to go to.. I used to feel I don’t belong between the mothers of one year olds.. I used to feel I am the eldest of all of them… because I already have a 10 year old .. I used to listen to what they talk to and smile inside me because i already knew that every phase of growing up is different… i knew those talks are amazing.. i used to think i should not talk out and spoil their little surprises.. so i talked less.. some friends approached me for advices which i did.. that made me more elder in the group…I used to advise new moms about breast feeding, starting nursery, school procedures, toilet training, school dinners, behavioral problems, everything and anything.. so am I an elder in the group or a friend? .. so may be I was confused … and felt I don’t fit in..
What about friends I already had, moms of my 10yr old son’s friends. its not their fault. they were my only well wishers. They were busy with their own lives. They thought they should not disturb me or visit me often because I need rest. They thought I am not flexible now to go out and about with them like before. They thought they can’t bother me by visiting anytime they want. Sometimes that little one may be sleeping, with a knock on the door he may wake up to cry and throw tantrums, may be I will be feeding him and when he sees someone at home that may be his opportunity to stop eating to go and play with them. But my friends were amazing they never gave phones to him as a way of getting him to play with them. So, may be I felt lonely till that friend of mine pointed out.
I was addicted to coffee and tea which I never had before. I used to have 4 or 5 cups of coffees some days. I used to cry easily for little things. I stopped talking to my parents. I showered once in two or three days. I don’t remember shampooing in a gap of 4 months. I combed my hair only when I needed to. and then I didn’t need to comb as it was only one strand. I thought I was there only to cook and serve for the family. Then, when I gave this whole process a name called depression , it was easy. I made big changes to my life.
Depression.. its not a small word. Naming something that’s happening to our brain is not an easier task for humans. because we don’t want to accept what’s inside us and no one can see it. Fever, Rash, chicken pox etc everything has a name and its ok to say them outside but we don’t feel confident when we name our mental illnesses. Instead, we feel that we are tired and we need to eat more or we feel stressed out and need some rest or we feel what ever happening in front of our eyes is to blame others (mostly loved ones). These are only a few symptoms but there are more ways our brain gives us signals.
ok.. now when I finally named it depression and digested the fact, I looked out for a friend to share my condition. I never googled it because I am scared about the results it may show. Also, I don’t what to look for it online. The next problem is to know how to find a friend, Friend ship happens, you just cant create it, right..? So, I went out first.
I started taking my almost one year old to children centers. Then i started walking in the parks with friends, I used to do it with them a long time ago. That brought the difference. a bit of fresh air into the lungs while heart and mind were dusting themselves out. I was almost walking every day even though there was a fear of catching cold for the little one. The next change I brought to myself was going to friends houses from the children centers directly instead of going back home. I used to land in a friends house. I used to talk to her, let her take care of my baby. I used to just enjoy sitting in the sofa and eat the meals she gives me. slowly I realized that my friends are still interested in me. They didn’t avoid me, I was uninterested in them. Then I found out, I have a lot of hands and hearts I can reach to. its true that i missed a little time in the middle but that gap didn’t make any difference when i started it all over again. My apartment , where I used to live had lots of friends for me. Now, i am popular in all the flats of that apartment. because i had coffee in every flat in that apartment. My son played in every flat of that apartment. His screams are still fresh between those walls.
After my realization. I made going out of the house a priority, anywhere, parks, apartment corridor, friends, shops, just walks, dancing, anything. I started leaving the boy with my friends for little intervals of time. there is a funny side here. This socializing bit impacted my son too. later on, when he started to walk and talk, he used to choose which house to go. now, it became his entertainment to go out. All the aunties enjoyed him to the core. He was the Krishna in the group ruling over their views and ideas. I was more relaxed now to sit and take time for myself. i made sure i had my own time every day. Children just grow up in front of your eyes, days pass by very quickly, calendars change their details every day… so life changes. I learnt to bring out the best from it and be more positive.
The story is not done yet, during this process of bringing myself back, I remembered I used to write when I was a young girl. I do not remember why I stopped writing until one of my friends suggested me to start again. I already had blogging in mind but never looked out for it. With this encouragement, one fine day I started blogging and this baby is the result 3 years ago. I enjoyed penning my thoughts. I enjoyed all the criticism I got. I enjoyed all the encouragement I got. I enjoyed all the meaning I got for my writings.
After these changes to my life, there was no looking back. Today its been 3 years already when all these thought processes happened. I am proud of myself that I didn’t let depression thing rule over me. Now I am perfectly alright and busy with my blog, talking regularly to friends and parents, sharing my views with my children, taking it all positively.
I have some advices for friends and partners. I will post that bit next week , please wait and look for this page to be updated. If you like this page, please follow my blog on the down right corner of this page.
Thank you for your patience