It happened when my 2nd child was 8 months old. one day one of my friends suddenly asked.. if I was in depression. I used to take care of her son after school. it was just a 2 minute conversation while picking her son from my house. I denied by telling her that I was alright and super busy to get depressed.
but that night I started thinking if I was really in depression.
may be I was in depression, may be that’s why I hear haunting sounds when I am bathing, I am scared to go to the loo with door closed, may be that’s why I feel some one is behind me, watching me , when I am too much involved in conversing with my little one, may be that’s why I am finding too many faults in my husband, who is a perfect gentle man to the world, may be that’s why I started thinking my friends don’t want to hang out with me anymore because I am too busy changing diapers and preparing special food.
I live in London, so I knew about children centers, I knew about libraries, i knew about parks, I knew going to the local shops and letting the child play in the toy section for a while is alright… but it was December when my little one was 8 months old… i knew London has everything i need to entertain myself and my little one… may be i was depressed , i didn’t make an effort to connect with my old friends, i didn’t make an effort to make friends who have little children.
May be I was actually confused whom to go to.. I used to feel I don’t belong between the mothers of one year olds.. I used to feel I am the eldest of all of them… because I already have a 10 year old .. I used to listen to what they talk to and smile inside me because i already knew that every plase of growing up is different… i knew those talks are amazing.. i used to think i should not talk out and spoil their little surprises.. so i talked less.. some friends approached me for advices which i did.. that made me more elder in the group…I used to advise new moms about breast feeding, starting nursery, school procedures,
toilet training, school dinners, behavioral problems, everything and anything.. so am I an elder in the group or a friend? .. so may be I was confused … and felt I don’t fit in..
What about friends I already had, moms of my 10yr old son’s friends. its not their fault. they were my only well wishers. They were busy with their own lives. They thought they should not disturb me or visit me often because I need rest. They thought I am not flexible now to go out and about with them like before. They thought they can’t bother me by visiting anytime they want. Sometimes that little one may be sleeping, with a knock on the door he may wake up to cry and throw tantrums, may be I will be feeding him and when he sees someone at home that may be his opportunity to stop eating to go and play with them. But my friends were amazing they never gave phones to him as a way of getting him to play with them. So, may be I felt lonely till that friend of mine pointed out.
I was addicted to coffee and tea which I never had before. I used to have 4 or 5 cups of coffees some days. I used to cry easily for little things. I stopped talking to my parents. I showered once in two or three days. I don’t remember shampooing in a gap of 4 months. I combed my hair only when I needed to. and then I didn’t need to comb as it was only one strand. I thought I was there only to cook and serve for the family. Then, when I gave this whole process a name called depression , it was easy. I made big changes to my life.
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Thank you for your patience